| Recently I've been hearing lots of parents talk about | | | | "No you can't have a candy bar before dinner, you |
| how much is too much information (TMI) when they | | | | can have an apple or grapes instead". (Do not say |
| are talking with their children. Often it's difficult to | | | | anything more. If they default to whining mode |
| understand what are healthy boundaries. There is a | | | | remind them ONE time of their choice and do not |
| tendency for parent to over explain situations. I see | | | | saying anything more) |
| this happening with young children, whereby a parent | | | | For example, your pre-teen wants to go to a party |
| will offer a lengthy explanation to their child why they | | | | with some friends. |
| can't have a snack right now. The parent often is | | | | Too much information: |
| providing way too much information and justification | | | | Instead of saying, "You're always asking me to go to |
| as the child melts down into tantrums. This not only | | | | these parties and I tired of hearing about how all |
| happens with toddlers, but I see it in teens and | | | | your friends are doing it, because we are not your |
| young adults too. Parents lovingly offer up lengthy | | | | friends parents, they let them do what ever they |
| reasons why their teen shouldn't do something and | | | | want ..." |
| the teen launches into their version of a teen | | | | You could respond this way: |
| tantrum with whining, eye rolling, and anger. | | | | "I don't feel comfortable with you being at this party |
| Yes, modeling personal boundaries is essential to | | | | without knowing who will be there. So I need to talk |
| developing a healthy sense of self in your child. They | | | | to the parents before hand if you'd like to go." (Do |
| need to hear you say "no" and they need to learn | | | | not say anything more. If they default to whining |
| how to cope with the feelings around not getting | | | | mode remind them ONE time of their choice and do |
| what they want. However, there are many ways to | | | | not saying anything more) |
| set boundaries. You can set a boundary use a brief | | | | For example, you and your spouse have been arguing |
| (one-two sentences) reason why. If it reasonable, | | | | in front of the children. |
| allow you child a different choice or an opportunity to | | | | Too much information: |
| come up with a different idea. If you are firm on | | | | Instead of saying, "Your father is so annoying I can't |
| your decision do not launch into TMI lecture mode, | | | | stand it when he acts like that, he's always doing |
| this gives your child a reason to default to tantrums. | | | | things to get me mad..." |
| Here's how you can use this simple strategy with | | | | You could respond this way: |
| your kids tonight and see changes in how you | | | | "Your father and I have been not getting along |
| communicate. | | | | recently and I am sorry you have had to hear us |
| For example, your child wants a candy bar before | | | | arguing. We are doing our best to try to |
| dinner. | | | | communicate better and will try to be respectful of |
| Too much information: | | | | your feelings." |
| Instead of saying, "You can't have a candy bar you | | | | When you master TMI you can use it all sort of |
| know it's dinner time, you are always wanting to eat | | | | situations without becoming upset and reactive and |
| something before supper, why don't you do | | | | you will teach your child healthy and respectful |
| something else instead, like take the dog for a walk, | | | | communication. Try it tonight and see how it works. |
| or help me out in the kitchen..." | | | | If you need more support we can help, contact us. |
| You could respond this way: | | | | |