| | | | | unfortunately be projected onto our partner. What |
| Does this concept appear incestuous? To the | | | | isn’t resolved from our history may rear its ugly |
| contrary, my message is for those individuals who | | | | head and make itself known in our present |
| unintentionally find themselves in a partnership with a | | | | experience. We must see our parents for who they |
| mate whose qualities and character traits are similar | | | | are, with all of their faults and frailties, before we can |
| to their parent. When couples are in conflict, | | | | grieve our losses, forgive our parents for being less |
| family-of-origin hot buttons must be explored as a | | | | than perfect and moving forward with our |
| means of ferreting out troubling dynamics. | | | | relationships. |
| | | | | |
| Most people are not aware, until a major conflict | | | | Often, an individual will “marry their parent.” in |
| emerges, that they have married a partner whose | | | | an attempt to fix that which was broken. It is not |
| behavior mirrors the dysfunctional behavior of their | | | | uncommon for a woman who has had an absent, |
| parent. New awareness and understanding may lead | | | | self-medicating, and abusive father to gravitate |
| to the perplexing question, “Why in the world | | | | toward men with the same behaviors. During |
| would I marry someone who is a representation of | | | | childhood, kids with a dysfunctional parent may carry |
| my father? I never liked the man then, nor do I | | | | an illusion that they can fix the parent by performing |
| now. He was abusive, emotionally unavailable, and | | | | to please. When their efforts at getting approval |
| continues to be a disturbing figure in my life.” | | | | fail, they intuitively internalize their anger, believing |
| | | | | that they must have been unlovable. This |
| It is not unusual for people to repeat negative | | | | interpretation carries into adulthood as the partner |
| patterns which have emerged from childhood. Why | | | | tries once again to fix a mate who is a caricature of |
| is it that people tend to hang on, rather than let go | | | | the father and is unfixable. In order for our intimate |
| of their negative baggage from childhood? Why is it | | | | relationships to change, we must recognize that we |
| that a partner will play out the same self-defeating | | | | may have a faulty “selector.” Our selection |
| behaviors in a relationship that trapped them as a | | | | process of a mate is based upon the illusions which |
| child? The resolution of these questions is | | | | crystallize during childhood. Once we understand |
| fundamental to one’s personal growth and | | | | that the messes of childhood were not created by |
| development. | | | | us, but rather our parents, we can then learn to love |
| | | | | ourselves and grieve the fact that we were born |
| Individuals may either idealize or minimize the behavior | | | | into the wrong family. |
| of a dysfunctional parent. They may say, “My | | | | |
| father had a bad childhood; he didn’t mean any | | | | We can’t fix anybody but ourselves. It is not |
| harm; he did the best he could; I’ve learned to | | | | our responsibility to try to change others. We must |
| move on.” However, you know when people | | | | grieve our family history, fight the urge to try to |
| have let go of the past, because they are able to | | | | change others, and surround ourselves with people |
| experience the full impact of the dark side of a | | | | who are soothing, nurturing, and affirming. We must |
| parent’s behavior. Glossing over the negative | | | | believe that we deserve better from our relationships |
| side of behavioral patterns leaves us without | | | | and set limits for what we want and need from our |
| resolutions and vulnerable to perpetuating unfinished | | | | partnerships. Only then will we have the capacity to |
| business in our current partnerships. The pattern of | | | | choose a partnership based upon mutual respect, |
| self-defeating intergenerational behavior may | | | | love and commitment. |