| What are you afraid of? Fear and anxiety are part | | | | get much cooperation. |
| and parcel of daily life with familial addiction. Fear is a | | | | While there seems to be a contradictory relationship |
| paintbrush that colors almost all aspects of family life. | | | | between "letting go" and empowerment, if you are |
| Some fears are easily recognizable in an addicted | | | | compulsively trying to resolve the problems that do |
| family: "What if he gets arrested?" "When am I going | | | | not belong to you, you will not have the time and |
| to get the call in the middle of the night saying that | | | | energy to solve the problems that are your |
| she has died in a drunk driving wreck?" "I never | | | | responsibility. One of the things learned in the twelve |
| know when I write a check if there will be any | | | | step recovery program for family members of |
| money in the bank to cover it." "He may decide that | | | | alcoholics is that faith in a "power greater than |
| he wants to change careers again for the third time | | | | yourself" helps to abolish the fear, while you are |
| this year." | | | | practicing "letting go" of others. |
| Family members experience a variety of fears living in | | | | The actual mechanics of how to let go is somewhat |
| an addicted system. All kinds of survival roles and | | | | more illusive. "Letting go" is not the same thing as |
| behaviors develop to attempt to minimize the fear, | | | | detachment with anger or "emotional cutoff." "Letting |
| anxiety, and general pain of not knowing what will | | | | go with love" involves accepting the reality that you |
| happen next, and to deal with the dysfunction | | | | actually don't have authority over others' feelings, |
| happening in the present. With so much turmoil going | | | | decisions, and behavior. It involves giving up |
| on, it is no surprise that family members feel | | | | responsibility for others' business. Letting go allows |
| compelled to establish some kind of control. | | | | others the dignity to assume responsibility for their |
| The need for control becomes compulsive. The more | | | | own lives. Giving up the illusion of control of others |
| the persistent attempts to recover or maintain | | | | empowers family members to decide how they can |
| control, the more the emotional discomfort increases, | | | | genuinely live their lives in the fullest way possible. |
| rather than decreases. When family members are | | | | For a beginning effort to let go, first identify the |
| instructed to "let go of control", it usually initially | | | | ways in the past, that you have tried to assert |
| makes no sense to them. If they don't have control, | | | | control over your significant other. Identify exactly |
| (or at least try to), who will? | | | | how those attempts have not worked over time, |
| They work extremely hard pursuing an illusion of | | | | consistently. Identify the negative consequences of |
| control. Every time they think that they have figured | | | | those efforts on your own life. To continue your |
| out something that will work to minimize the drinking | | | | efforts in letting go, when you feel compelled to step |
| or the detrimental consequences of the drinking, it | | | | in, ask yourself, "Whose business is this?" If it's not |
| won't work the next time they attempt it. They | | | | your business, stay out of it. If you answer yourself, |
| keep trying the same things over and over, not being | | | | "It is my business because his/her behavior affects |
| able to believe that letting go, would actually reduce | | | | me", then identify where your power and your |
| their emotional turmoil rather than increasing it. | | | | responsibilities lie. Then, take custody of your own |
| Letting go of the drive to manage others is a notion | | | | responsibilities in the situation. |
| that may initially be incomprehensible. When you think | | | | How do you know that you are letting go? You don't |
| about your previous attempts to stage-manage not | | | | spend your day worrying about what someone else |
| only the lives of your family members and the real | | | | is doing or not doing. You don't step in to solve |
| affect of your efforts, you can identify that your | | | | someone else's problems, then feel compelled to sell |
| efforts do not work - with predictability and | | | | the solution to them. You don't spend your energy |
| consistency. | | | | trying to determine out how you can take charge of |
| Attempts to remain in control of the details and | | | | your own needs after you have used all your |
| events of one's life and environment are about trying | | | | resources taking control of someone who should be |
| to manage anxiety and trying to solve problems. It is | | | | taking care of themselves. You find that you often |
| very difficult to solve the problems that belong to | | | | have serenity even amidst the presence of life's ups |
| someone other than yourself. You typically will not | | | | and downs and problems. |