| Sometimes in early recovery, when you know that | | | | own issues and let go of responsibility for others' |
| you are "working a good program", you may feel like | | | | issues. When you engage in a new relationship |
| something is still missing. You're still clean and sober. | | | | without these much needed relationship skills, you |
| You are going to meetings. You are showing up for | | | | endanger your fragile recovery. Think about it. What |
| work everyday. You are starting to get your bills | | | | do alcoholics and addicts do when they have |
| caught up. The important people in your life are | | | | emotional pain, conflicts, or feelings and problems that |
| remarking about how well you are doing. Yet, there | | | | they don't know what to do with? They use alcohol |
| still seems to be an absence of something important. | | | | or other drugs to fix it, or escape from it. |
| We may not be developing the kind of serenity or | | | | One of the ways that entering into a romance can |
| peace of mind that we had hoped for. We may | | | | sabotage recovery is that your routine changes as |
| entertain the notion that we will be happy when we | | | | you incorporate the new person into your life and |
| find that magical something outside of ourselves that | | | | your schedule. You have probably worked pretty |
| will make us whole. Romance is one of those magical | | | | hard to set up the structure and daily routine that |
| somethings that is frequently called upon to produce | | | | not only helps with maintaining your abstinence and |
| instant happiness. | | | | recovery, but that also helps to build self-discipline |
| It is not uncommon for newly recovering addicts to | | | | skills. Twelve step meetings may give way to |
| sabotage their fragile sobriety by entering into | | | | rendezvous. |
| romantic relationships before they are ready. There | | | | Romance with another recovering person is |
| are many important early recovery tasks. One that is | | | | particularly precarious, especially when you both go to |
| important to successful relationship skill development | | | | the same 12 step home group. Relationships require |
| as well as abstinence maintenance, is the | | | | some of the same coping skills and resources that |
| development of a new identity. | | | | sobriety requires. While you are learning these new |
| This happens over time in recovery. In this process, | | | | living skills and applying them to recovery, you are |
| the old identity of drinker/user gives way to the new | | | | simultaneously called upon to work through old |
| identity of drinker/user who is not drinking/using. | | | | unresolved relationship issues. In order to have |
| That identity is eventually replaced with a broader | | | | healthy relationships in recovery, you must resolve |
| identity of a multifaceted individual who is recovering, | | | | old emotional relationship baggage. Otherwise, you |
| and whose life is defined by many things including | | | | would tend to repeat the past. |
| recovery. In order to be able to be truly intimate in a | | | | Having a health relationship in recovery demands that |
| relationship you have to have s clear and comfortable | | | | you develop a solid sense of self, mind your priorities, |
| sense of self. It is hard to be in a relationship with | | | | which should continue to be recovery, and practice |
| someone else when you can't feel comfortable in | | | | new living skills. |
| your own skin. | | | | Sponsors really come in handy as you grapple with |
| When we don't have a firm, positive sense of self, | | | | taking on a romantic relationship in early recovery. As |
| we may enter into romantic relationships on a sort of | | | | we turn to sponsors to help us navigate other |
| "self-finding" mission, only to discover later that we | | | | turbulent waters of early recovery, so can we use |
| have actually lost ground in that endeavor. | | | | experienced guidance in the realm of developing |
| Sometimes we look to our significant other as an | | | | intimacy skills. It is particularly important to have as a |
| extension, reflection or definition of self. There is also | | | | sponsor someone who seems to have some solid |
| the possibility of transferring our dependency on our | | | | recovery in the area of relationships. If you have |
| higher power to that significant other. | | | | never learned intimacy skills, you may not know the |
| For at least the first year in recovery, the primary | | | | difference between healthy and unhealthy |
| focus of a recovering addict's life should be | | | | relationships. Hopefully, your sponsor can guide you |
| developing a solid foundation for recovery. This would | | | | through the process when it is time. |
| involve going to many meetings, acquiring and using a | | | | You can recover in the area of relationships. As you |
| sponsor, being of service to others, and learning how | | | | find yourself recovering to greater and greater levels |
| to replace the chemical with healthy living skills. | | | | of "wellness", you will notice that the people that you |
| One of the most important living skills to be | | | | are attracted to, and that are attracted to you, have |
| developed is relationship skills. Relationship skills include | | | | also achieved similar levels of wellness. If you don't |
| ability to effectively communicate and problem solve, | | | | have a clear sense of self, aren't able to take care of |
| ability to put yourself in others' positions (role taking), | | | | most of your own needs, and don't know you want |
| ability to ask for what you want and need directly, | | | | from yourself or others, then you are probably not |
| ability to trust, ability to appropriately identify, | | | | ready to be in a healthy relationship yet. Work on |
| communicate and work through feelings, ability to | | | | your own issues. When you're ready, there will still be |
| manage stress, ability to take responsibility for one's | | | | time. |