| I am not a grief counselor by education, however, | | | | grieving, and as a counselor, my job is to help people |
| my clients, no matter what the presenting issue, | | | | recognize the road map of grief, and to let them |
| have at some point demonstrated grief, sadness, | | | | know it serves a very important purpose, and if we |
| even intense crying, about a loss which has impacted | | | | ignore it, we do so at our own risk. |
| their lives, so I made it a point to learn something | | | | Ungrieved pain, in my estimation, makes future |
| about grief and the grieving process. | | | | intimacy more difficult. |
| The men who come to my domestic violence | | | | The model I like to teach is the Kubler-Ross model, |
| program are like most men in our culture, who were | | | | because it illustrates how easily we can move from |
| not given permission to grieve, nor have they been | | | | sadness into anger and back, and I think it makes it |
| taught anything about the normal course of grief, so | | | | clear in the last stage, acceptance, that there is a |
| when they feel sadness, the emotion they show to | | | | light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. |
| the world is anger or contempt, or they report on | | | | The Kubler-Ross model also helps folks to understand |
| what they are thinking. | | | | that the stages of grief are not linear stages. I can |
| In my domestic violence group last night, one man | | | | move around in that model, experiencing any of the |
| discussed how hard it was to spend the weekend | | | | stages at any moment of the more accute grieving. |
| with his 2 year old son and have a great deal of fun | | | | The entire process usually takes a couple of years |
| together and then watch as his son was taken to his | | | | for the loss of an important person in your life. |
| grandparents house, where the child has to live until | | | | And even after the most emotional part of the |
| the court is no longer involved. Both father and son | | | | process is done, an anniversary or a picture or a |
| suffer in that moment, and this particular man has | | | | recording can cue the process again, for another |
| lost another son to SIDS. | | | | brief foray into the emotions. |
| Another father has signed over his joint custody | | | | I know that while I miss my parents, who passed |
| rights to his 11 year old son who will be moving with | | | | when I was very young, I also remember them |
| his mother to another state. This father believes that | | | | fondly now. |
| his choice, as painful as it is for him, reflects what is | | | | There are many tools that a grief counselor and |
| best for his son. | | | | client can use to explore the process of grief, |
| Another man has a heart monitor on, and is looking | | | | including art, music, dance, movement, and ritual. |
| at a serious medical involvement for the rest of his | | | | When grief comes up in a group situation for |
| life, and he cannot hold his infant son because the | | | | example, we always had some black cloth that we |
| child pulls off his heart monitor cables. | | | | could use as a shroud, or as a symbol of the loss, to |
| The loss of lifestyle is something Robert is still | | | | concretize the ritual for the client. |
| grieving. | | | | In fact, I had one client burn a picture symbolizing his |
| Another father is slowly reconciling with his ex-fiance, | | | | ending marriage, and bury the ashes in dirt if a flower |
| but is very suspicious of the risk, and is struggling | | | | pot in my office, and that simple ritual helped him to |
| with thoughts about risk and his feeling of love. If he | | | | let go much faster than ever before. |
| decides not to go back to his relationship, he stays | | | | The Stages of the Kubler-Ross Model |
| safe but loses the love. And he will need to grieve | | | | 1. Denial |
| that. | | | | 2. Bargaining |
| As I look back over the time I have been alive, I am | | | | 3. Anger |
| awed by the changes that have happened and I | | | | 4. Sorrow, tears, melancholy, depression, ect. |
| often wonder about the people I knew as a young | | | | 5. Acceptance |
| man, who touched my life, and I feel nostalgic for a | | | | The grief counseling I am talking about is for |
| different time, a time of the 1950's for example. | | | | uncomplicated grief. Complicated grief may require |
| They aren't coming back, and I feel sad as I make | | | | the services of an specialist. |
| peace with some of the poor decisions I have made | | | | I think it is important for a counselor to able to speak |
| over the course of my life, and amazement at some | | | | knowledgeably about grief counseling, because you |
| of the good decisions. | | | | are going to see it in your practice. |
| So we all have grief, and it can be felt in 1/18th | | | | I know my clients are grateful to get a sense that |
| second, if a loss happens or we are reminded of a | | | | there is a rhyme and reason to grieving, and that it |
| loss, and we move right into one of the stages of | | | | has a somewhat discreet beginning and end. |