| Historically, the consensus was that women are more | | | | identifying, thinking about, and expressing feelings." |
| emotional than men. Indeed, today many women still | | | | The term does not mean that this condition is normal |
| define themselves as more emotional than men. Over | | | | or healthy; it indicates that the condition is so |
| the past few decades many male clinicians, who have | | | | widespread that it can be considered statistically, |
| much experience working with men, have been | | | | "normal." |
| disproving this idea. They have concluded that the | | | | To develop a healthy relationship with anybody, we |
| majority of men have been socialized in a manner | | | | must know what we are feeling. It is through |
| they refer to as, "brutal," which teaches boys to | | | | awareness of our own feelings that we can |
| repress and deny their emotions. In 1995 the | | | | empathize with others. When we know how we are |
| American Psychological Association formed a new | | | | feeling, internally, about something another person |
| division called the, "Society for the Psychological | | | | has done or said, that emotional knowledge combined |
| Study of Men and Masculinity," to gain more insight | | | | with intellectual understanding helps us make |
| into the psychological effects of this socialization | | | | reasonable, well rounded, choices concerning how to |
| process. | | | | respond, externally. This is a valuable skill to use in |
| This process has created many problems. To relate | | | | our relationships with our intimate partner, our |
| well to others, we need to know what we are | | | | children, and others. Indeed, at this time, business |
| feeling. Emotions give us valuable information. If a | | | | schools are teaching managers the importance of |
| child is taught, during his formative years, that men | | | | empathy. Awareness of feelings is the first step |
| do not, or should not have feelings, he will learn to | | | | toward being empathetic. Teaching our sons that |
| ignore and repress the information he receives from | | | | men are not, or should not be emotional deprives |
| his feelings and become overly reliant on his intellect. | | | | them of this valuable skill and sets them up to fail in |
| And while our intellect is a wonderful part of our brain | | | | many areas of their lives. Even if a man is financially |
| and does great things for mankind, emotions also do | | | | successful, he may still not be able to succeed at |
| great things for mankind. Several theorists believe | | | | creating healthy relationships. A life filled with financial |
| that awareness of our own feelings may result in our | | | | success, and everything money can buy, can be sad |
| treating other's, and the earth, in a more pro-survival | | | | and hollow if it has no viable, loving relationships. |
| manner. Ideally, thoughts and emotions work in | | | | Men need to be as aware of their emotions as |
| synchronization. | | | | women are. The best time for these skills to be |
| Daniel Goldman's book "Emotional Intelligence" (1996) | | | | taught is during early childhood. At this point in our |
| introduced the concept of emotional intelligence into | | | | history, men are much more active as fathers. It is |
| popular culture. Efforts to understand and explain | | | | incumbent on them to read about and use healthy, |
| emotional intelligence began with Charles Darwin's | | | | positive parenting skills. An ideal parenting approach is |
| work concerning the importance of emotional | | | | for both mother and father to work together to |
| expression for survival and adaptation. Emotional | | | | raise emotionally intelligent children. Doing that involves |
| intelligence is the ability to identify, assess and | | | | a relationship between parents based in |
| manage one's own emotions as well as the | | | | self-awareness and empathy. When a boy |
| recognition of emotions of others. When we shame a | | | | experiences his father as emotionally available and |
| child for having feelings, we separate him from an | | | | empathetic, he will naturally follow his father's |
| important source of information. | | | | example. To do this, fathers need to become aware |
| Aelexithymia is a condition in which an individual | | | | of their own feelings. They need to be able to |
| cannot know, label and think about what he is feeling. | | | | identify and accept their feelings. Then they will be |
| Dr. Ron Levant, a psychologist and professor, who is | | | | able to empathize with their spouse and children, |
| a pioneer in the study of the psychology of men | | | | while helping their children be aware of their feelings. |
| coined the term "normative male aelexithymia." | | | | Men who have not been raised to be aware of their |
| According to David P. Wexler in his book "Men in | | | | emotions can learn how to do so anytime they |
| Therapy; New Approaches for Effective Treatment," | | | | decide to learn. David Wexler, PhD, has several |
| (2009) this term refers to, "the emotional patterns of | | | | excellent books listed on his website. Steve Stosny, |
| boys who grow up to become men who are | | | | PhD, also has a website with articles and books that |
| unaware of their emotions and even of their own | | | | are valuable. Most good therapists can coach men as |
| bodily sensations. They rely only on their cognitive | | | | they learn how to become more aware of their |
| descriptions, analyses, and opinions. Because of this | | | | feelings and how to cope with them. Individual |
| gap in self-awareness, many men are limited in utilizing | | | | coaching sessions are the most effective approach |
| the simplest and most effective method for dealing | | | | to change. |
| with complex feelings and difficult moods; that is, | | | | |