| Parents are faced with many dilemmas as they | | | | year old forgo their night out, the child could feel |
| struggle with allowing their children to individuate. | | | | heard, cared about and/or loved. Or, the toddler and |
| These dilemmas are part of the everyday conflicts | | | | the crying 6 year old could get the message that he |
| and behaviors that are intrinsic to parenting. In | | | | is more powerful than his parents. This is not what |
| psychotherapy, parents can become aware of how | | | | he really wants. He knows he is not more powerful |
| some of their everyday choices impact on their child's | | | | and it can be frightening to him to think that he is in |
| ability to individuate. Parents can increase the | | | | charge. He could become afraid and anxious about his |
| likelihood that they will be providing, as best they | | | | own aggression and learn to keep his desires to |
| can, the kinds of responses to their children that | | | | himself. The 11 year old whose parents do too much |
| facilitate individuation. | | | | of his school project because they can't tolerate his |
| The wide range of feelings that parents experience | | | | frustration may get a message that he is a person |
| provide clues for their behavior towards their children. | | | | who deserves to be supported and helped. He could |
| But feelings are often conflicted and don't always | | | | also feel that his parents believe he needs them in |
| suggest a clear course of action. At one time or | | | | order to succeed in the world and doesn't have what |
| another in the course of bringing up one's children, | | | | it takes to make it on his own. If you give in to your |
| parents may feel awed, frightened, silly, delighted, | | | | 16 year old and let her have a later curfew will you |
| disappointed, depressed, happy, angry, confused, | | | | be saying I trust you to take good care of yourself |
| elated, proud, annoyed, and every human emotion | | | | or will you be responding to her anger toward you |
| conceivable. In the course of growing up, children also | | | | and signaling that she can't express angry feelings |
| experience a wide range of feelings. From infancy | | | | toward you? |
| through adulthood, feelings, expressed and | | | | Parenting is filled with dilemmas everyday. The |
| unexpressed, have a profound influence on the | | | | examples suggested here don't imply that there is a |
| relationship between parent and child. | | | | correct way to deal with these situations. So much |
| In the early infant-mothering dyad, mother and infant | | | | depends on the context and on the parent's |
| are one. They are symbiotically joined. This means | | | | awareness of what it is about their own feelings in |
| they contaige each other with their feelings. It is | | | | the situation that is influencing their behavior toward |
| often hard to know whose joy is whose. Who is | | | | their children. For example, if parents can tolerate |
| anxious in this moment? (In symbiosis, they both | | | | their child's expression of angry feelings that are |
| are.) Ideally, in the delicious oneness of this symbiotic | | | | hurtful to them (as opposed to unacceptable |
| relationship, there is bliss for mother* and baby. | | | | behavior), they will be fostering the ability to |
| Mother provides for baby's needs and feels like a | | | | individuate. In contrast, the parent that responds by |
| wonderful mom. The baby feels safe and secure and | | | | saying "Don't be mad at me, that hurt my feelings" is |
| responded to. Everyone is happy. Mom is doing fine | | | | signaling that the child should keep his feelings to |
| with baby and baby is satisfied. This of course, is | | | | himself and protect the parent. It suggests that the |
| often more fantasy than reality. From the beginning | | | | child's feelings do harm. It suggests: keep your inner |
| mother and baby are not always so perfectly | | | | self (your real feelings) to yourself and be the person |
| attuned. When baby is crying, mother doesn't always | | | | your parent wants you to be, not the individual you |
| know what the baby wants. (How could she?) | | | | are. |
| Sometimes, crying can be a release of tension with | | | | At each level of a child's development there are |
| no specific goal like being fed or changed. Mother | | | | different considerations and dilemmas. In the first |
| starts out wanting to provide what baby needs and | | | | year of life, the infant's nervous system is not |
| is frequently confused, upset, anxious, when she | | | | prepared to sustain the same kind of distress as a |
| can't figure it out. Mother's aim is to give the baby | | | | five year old who wants to buy a toy and is having a |
| what the baby wants, to take away what feels to | | | | tantrum. If the five year old is involved in a power |
| mother like the baby's bad or hurt or angry feelings. | | | | struggle with a parent and needs to be assured that |
| Mother doesn't want her child to feel pain or | | | | the parent is in control and needs to have limits set, |
| discomfort. It may also be that when baby has bad | | | | then it is probably best he not get the toy and that |
| feelings, mother feels like a bad mother. Baby's good | | | | the parent try to get through the tantrum. But there |
| feelings, can result in good mother feelings. | | | | are always reasons that it might make sense to get |
| This parental desire to assure that baby has only | | | | the toy: For example, has the child just had an |
| positive feelings is one of the early ways parents | | | | experience like difficulty with separation at school or |
| strive to take good care of their children. Although | | | | has a parent been away for a few days? Then it |
| parents may not realize that they are trying to | | | | may be best to soothe the child and get the toy. |
| control their child's feelings, they unintentionally may | | | | How do you know what to do? Each situation must |
| be signaling what is okay for the child to express and | | | | be considered and parents do the best they can to |
| what feelings need to stop. The great dilemma for | | | | respond to what the situation demands. This is very |
| the parents here, is trying to figure out when it is | | | | different than making choices influenced by the |
| okay to allow baby (then toddler, child, adolescent) | | | | parent's difficulty in tolerating their child's or their own |
| to be unhappy, upset, angry, etc. This is VERY | | | | feelings. |
| DIFFICULT. For a parent it feels terrible to watch | | | | Recognizing the importance of thinking about the |
| your child be in pain. Is it okay for toddler to scream | | | | effect of the parent's response to the child's feelings |
| and tantrum that he wants the toy? Should one let | | | | is important because parents need to provide the |
| the 6 year old cry with the babysitter when mom | | | | conditions that allow children to develop the belief |
| and dad go out to dinner? How much should a parent | | | | that their feelings are all right and that they can be |
| help their 11 year old with homework when they | | | | trusted to be in charge of their own decision making. |
| seem so frustrated about the assigned project? | | | | If they don't know or can't trust their feelings, their |
| When your 16 year old gets so furious with you for | | | | ability to individuate is impeded. |
| her curfew, do you give in? How much do you alter | | | | What can happen if over the course of development, |
| your behavior to assure that your child doesn't have | | | | two well intentioned parents treat their child in a way |
| bad feelings, especially when the bad feelings may be | | | | to prevent his suffering? These hypothetical parents |
| directed towards you? How much do you try to | | | | want the best for their child: don't be upset, do well |
| change your child's feelings when they seem so | | | | in school, have the right kind of friends, put on a |
| distressed? | | | | good appearance, etc. In attempting to protect their |
| There are no clear answers to these questions. But | | | | child, these parents didn't let him cry very much at |
| the solutions to these dilemmas can have an impact | | | | bedtime; they bought him the toy because it is too |
| on the individuation process. It is understandable that | | | | upsetting for him (and them) to be told "no"; they did |
| parents don't want their children to be unhappy or | | | | a lot of his homework and suggested and worked on |
| struggle. But at different stages of development, | | | | his projects; they commented about his friends and |
| children need the experience of difficult feelings and | | | | his taste in clothes; they chose the colleges he |
| situations so that they can learn that they can | | | | applied to. |
| soothe themselves, regulate their feelings and find | | | | The possible consequences of these choices can be |
| solutions to their problems. | | | | understood as we look at the now "grown up" 23 |
| In psychotherapy, the dilemma of whether it is best | | | | year old. He wants to please everyone because he |
| to allow the child to struggle, be unhappy, anxious, | | | | has learned that people (parents) don't want him to |
| angry, etc., is addressed by considering what the | | | | be upset or angry or frustrated. He doesn't feel that |
| negative consequences are FOR THE CHILD if he is | | | | he can do well at work because he hasn't learned |
| allowed to continue his bad feelings vs. the outcome | | | | that it is okay to fail and struggle before you |
| of allowing the child to cope with the situation on his | | | | succeed. His parents thought they were protecting |
| own or with some degree of help from the parent. A | | | | him, but he is not prepared to go into the world with |
| consideration here is always the question of whether | | | | the idea that his needs and feelings matter and that |
| ending the child's unhappiness is for the child or | | | | he can take care of himself. He has never learned to |
| because it is too painful for the parent to tolerate | | | | struggle and fail and then succeed. He has never |
| the experience of her child in distress. Also to be | | | | been helped to trust his own voice, accept his own |
| wondered and talked about is whether the | | | | feelings and know that he can cope with the difficult |
| experience being attributed to the child is really the | | | | ones. He hasn't become an individual who knows that |
| child's feelings or is the parent assuming that the child | | | | he has what it takes to get what he wants in his |
| is feeling what they would feel (or may have | | | | relationships and from the world. |
| memories of feeling) at that age or in that | | | | * I will use mother to refer to the mothering parent. |
| circumstance? | | | | ©Copyright 2010 by Beverly Amsel, Ph.D. |
| If the toddler gets the toy and the parents of the 6 | | | | |