| Having trouble individuating creates a wide variety of | | | | Some children learn from a very young age to be |
| problems. When you haven't sufficiently individuated, | | | | what and who their parents need them to be. In |
| it is often difficult to know what you want and need. | | | | 'wanting the best' for their children, some parents |
| If that is the case, finding satisfaction in life is not | | | | don't understand that they are interfering with their |
| easy. You are stuck with questions such as: "What | | | | child's ability to experience life by trial and error. |
| do I want?" "Do I like X?" "Should I be feeling this?" | | | | Children need to discover what they like and how |
| Marla* is an example of someone struggling with | | | | they feel. They need to develop the capacity to |
| individuation. | | | | tolerate their own feelings and the negative feelings |
| Marla came to therapy at the age of 29. She was a | | | | expressed by others in their lives. This is all part of |
| young woman who could find little satisfaction in her | | | | the process of self discovery. It leads to feelings of |
| life. Her job as a computer programmer in a small | | | | self confidence and is part of the individuation |
| retail company offered little satisfaction. She had one | | | | process. |
| or two people at work whom she felt some | | | | As we talked in therapy, Marla began to consider |
| connection to, but had no relationships with either of | | | | that she relied too much on her parents. However, |
| them outside of work. She had never been in a | | | | she was conflicted since she was less anxious when |
| relationship with a man for more than two months. | | | | she went along with their choices rather than make |
| At the time she came to see me, she was using an | | | | her own decisions. As we talked, Marla also began to |
| internet dating service, but rarely found a man she | | | | discover that she was not very clear about what she |
| was interested in. Her perfectionism resulted in her | | | | wanted and so was very afraid of making the wrong |
| ruling most potential matches out as either not | | | | decisions. She expected that her father, a very |
| educated enough, not good looking enough, not rich | | | | critical man, would berate her for doing the wrong |
| enough. Marla had two friends from college whom | | | | thing. Our talking also helped Marla to become aware |
| she was in some contact with. One, Fred, was in a | | | | of how much she liked being the good daughter. It |
| committed relationship with Philip, his partner of 3 | | | | seemed like not developing an independent self was |
| years. The other, Connie was single and also using | | | | a small price to pay for being seen as the good |
| the internet to find a relationship. However, Connie | | | | daughter. It had been worth it. But now, at the age |
| frequently found men to go out with and was not as | | | | of 29, being the good daughter was not enough. |
| available for socializing with Marla as she would like. | | | | However, she was terrified to give that up. She did |
| Connie was also (according to Marla) very beautiful | | | | not know that there might be options between being |
| and this created a lot of envy for Marla. | | | | a bad daughter or a good daughter. But it was going |
| Marla had always found reasons for keeping | | | | to take time to tolerate the grays. Being the good |
| relationships at a distance. Like many people | | | | child can often conflict with being oneself. Giving up |
| struggling with individuation, she worried a great deal | | | | the rewards that come with such a favored |
| about whether people liked her and found it | | | | designation can be very difficult. The choice to remain |
| intolerable to imagine that anyone would have any | | | | who the parents see you as and want you to be is |
| negative feelings toward her. To assure that only | | | | not easily surrendered. |
| positive feelings existed between her and her friends, | | | | It wasn't easy for Marla to keep talking and to begin |
| Marla was pleasing, sensitive to what the other | | | | to take small steps to get to know what she |
| needed and was inclined to go along. She was not | | | | wanted. She was clear that she wanted a relationship. |
| individuated. She had only a vague sense that she | | | | But she had not recognized that a major difficulty |
| was paying a price for giving up her own desires. | | | | that kept her from pursuing a relationship was her |
| Marla had a very close relationship with her parents | | | | worry that she would be taken over or criticized by |
| who lived nearby Marla's apartment. She frequently | | | | the other. She had no sense she could have her own |
| went home for dinner or went out with them to a | | | | thoughts and feelings in a relationship and not be told |
| concert or movie. Marla's older brother, Ted, had | | | | she was wrong. How could she feel okay in a |
| moved to another state where he lived with his wife | | | | relationship if she was different from her partner? |
| and two daughters. He had little contact with the | | | | Marla is finding more men of interest in her internet |
| family. Marla was seen by her parents as the good | | | | dating and has come to understand that she was |
| child. She was the one who stayed close to home | | | | using her perfectionism to avoid a relationship. She is |
| and kept in close touch. | | | | beginning to consider that she can have her own |
| When Marla confided her unhappiness to her parents | | | | opinion or needs in relation to someone she is dating |
| they would get impatient with her. They wanted her | | | | and that it doesn't have to mean she will be criticized |
| to do something to make herself more satisfied and | | | | or rejected. Marla has also been working on saying |
| found it hard to tolerate her unhappiness. They would | | | | NO to her parents. She has told them that she |
| often press her to follow up on job ads they would | | | | doesn't want them to be looking for a job for her. |
| find on the internet or bring her catalogs they had | | | | Her parents responded well to her request. |
| obtained about graduate programs. Marla would | | | | As the individuation process proceeds, the self |
| describe to me how from the time she was a young | | | | becomes increasingly aware of what is satisfying. |
| child, her parents always did everything for her. They | | | | The individual is learning what I want and desire, |
| chose her clothes, had strong opinions about her | | | | rather than what I am supposed to wish for. An |
| friends, helped her extensively with her homework. | | | | individuated person is able to make choices and |
| Later, they picked her college and decorated her | | | | tolerate the consequences. Whether expressing or |
| apartment. They still helped choose her clothes. | | | | receiving negative feelings, an individuated person has |
| When Marla would express a preference, she | | | | enough confidence that they, the other and the |
| typically was told her choices were not the best | | | | relationship can survive. |
| ones. Marla's mother was obsessed with Marla's looks | | | | * Names and identifying information have been |
| and suggested at age 15, that Marla get a nose job. | | | | changed to protect client confidentiality * |
| When Marla agreed, her mother's anxiety about the | | | | ©Copyright 2010 by Beverly Amsel, Ph.D. |
| surgery pushed Marla into a series of panic attacks. | | | | |