| The perception of reality is subjective. I have been | | | | differences involves sitting down and writing out, |
| aware of this for many years and am gradually | | | | then comparing our current value systems. I |
| understanding the deep effect this has on | | | | emphasize the word "current" because, hopefully, we |
| relationships. Very little in life is absolutely this way or | | | | are always changing and our value systems will |
| absolutely that way. Recognizing this can be helpful | | | | change according to what is going on around and |
| for an individual who is struggling with the idea that | | | | within us at any given moment. We will value one |
| anything must be perfectly this way or that. It | | | | particular belief until evidence comes along that helps |
| becomes more complicated for two individuals and | | | | us recognize that we need to change that belief. And |
| even more complex when a number of people are | | | | the healthier we are the more able we are to |
| involved. It's actually quite healthy that we don't all | | | | change. |
| perceive things exactly the same way. Remember | | | | One good communication skill is to tell the other |
| the story of the five blind men describing an elephant. | | | | person exactly what you heard. Sometimes we hear |
| When each man's definition was put together with all | | | | exactly what the other person said, while other times |
| the other's definitions, the group perception of an | | | | we hear through our perceptions. Our perception of |
| elephant was complete. When one individual perceives | | | | what was said will change the meaning. Stating what |
| a situation to be one way and another individual | | | | we hear gives the other person a chance to think |
| perceives the same situation to be another way, | | | | about whether or not they have said what we have |
| communication skills become very important. | | | | heard or if they meant it differently. And the |
| For instance, a friend of mine was told by her | | | | communication is ongoing. |
| significant other, "there is not enough room in this | | | | Often, emotions are so intense that it makes |
| relationship for two men". When she asked him what | | | | communication more difficult. That is when it is |
| his definition of "man" was, an argument followed. "A | | | | important to carefully (filled with care) listen, to listen |
| man! Everyone knows what a man is!" No, there | | | | with compassion and empathy. When anyone is |
| really is no standard definition that fits. How each of | | | | having intense emotions, they need to know that the |
| us perceives and defines what a man is will be | | | | other person can empathize with them or "feel" |
| different from how others perceive and define what | | | | them. When listening with empathy it is vital to |
| a man is. Times have changed, men have changed, | | | | recognize that emotions are never "right or wrong". |
| and we've all changed. That is real and, I believe, | | | | Emotions just are. Emotions occur according to |
| good. | | | | whatever is going on within and around us. They are |
| It is, very important for us to define what we mean | | | | like clouds and will come and go according to the |
| when we say something. When two different people, | | | | emotional weather. If another person can genuinely |
| grow up in two different households their perceptions | | | | listen, with compassionate empathy, to the person |
| of reality and definitions of words are going to be | | | | who is experiencing strong feelings, emotions are |
| very different. Even when two people grow up in | | | | more likely to gradually become calm. |
| the same home they will have different perceptions. | | | | Is never helpful to tell someone that they should not |
| For the sake of a relationship, even the dictionary | | | | be upset or that whatever they're feeling upset |
| cannot make the final decision. Dictionaries were | | | | about is not that important. That is invalidating and |
| written by people who do not live with us. Respect | | | | hurtful. That adds insult to injury. Keeping in mind that |
| for ourselves and one another means that we take | | | | the perception of reality is subjective will help the |
| the time to define, explain in detail, what we mean | | | | listener accept that the person they are listening to |
| by our words and how we perceive reality. Respect | | | | has a right to their feelings. Keeping all of this in mind |
| also means that we listen to and accept the other | | | | will help the listener remain calm as they listen. The |
| person's perceptions of reality and definitions of | | | | result of calm listening is usually that the other person |
| words. | | | | also becomes calm. |
| Our perception of reality begins to develop from birth | | | | The ability to listen with compassionate empathy is a |
| and involves the attachment relationship we have | | | | vital relationship skill. This is a skill that can be taught |
| with our parents or caretakers. People who were not | | | | to an individual, most effectively, during the first |
| given secure attachments by their parents will have | | | | three years of life. Infants/children who have an |
| different perceptions from those who were securely | | | | attuned caregiver will learn how to listen with |
| attached concerning how an adult relationship should | | | | compassion and empathy through the experience of |
| be. Attachment is one of the most important | | | | receiving compassionate, empathic listening. Any |
| aspects of a relationship. No one is right or wrong, | | | | individual who genuinely wants to have this skill can |
| and it is vital for individuals to recognize and respect | | | | learn how to do it later in life. Even as an adult, one |
| those differences. That way each individual can make | | | | of the best ways to learn how listen with |
| an educated choice concerning whether or not to be | | | | compassion and empathy is by being the recipient of |
| in the relationship. | | | | compassionate, empathic listening. Often, the best |
| One exercise that can help with perceptual | | | | way to learn this skill is through good therapy. |