| One of the most important tasks necessary for | | | | school). |
| maintaining abstinence and growing in recovery is | | | | 1. Combat those with disputing statements of your |
| learning how to appropriately work through feelings. | | | | own as they come up.a. Use positive affirmations or |
| Many people use alcohol and other drugs in place of | | | | self-talk to change the old shaming messages that |
| dealing with or managing emotions. Alcoholism/drug | | | | are part of your emotional baggage, and the current |
| addiction often involves skill deficits. When the | | | | negative self talk that you engage in of your own |
| chemical is eliminated, the roles that the chemical | | | | free will. Change old negative statements to positive |
| played in the addict's life must be replaced by healthy | | | | ones like these: "I am good enough", "Everyone |
| living skills. Sometimes recovering alcoholics/addicts | | | | makes mistakes", "I am human and I am worthwhile". |
| must re-learn to do routine daily tasks without aid of | | | | IV) For Guilt, try these: |
| the chemical. Sometimes they have to learn skills that | | | | A. Admit where you are/were wrong. |
| were never acquired at an age appropriate time | | | | B. Make amends as events occur. |
| because they were already using chemicals in place | | | | C. Keep doing the right thing. |
| of those needed skills. Feelings management is an | | | | D. Forgive yourself for being a fallible human being |
| area that commonly needs remedial work in | | | | and not perfect. |
| recovery. Recently, a patient asked me to make a | | | | E. Stop beating yourself up. |
| list of specific, concrete things that you can do with | | | | V) For Hurt, try these: |
| feelings, to effectively deal with them or work | | | | A. Identify the feeling as hurt, apart from the anger |
| through them. Below is the list that we concocted | | | | associated with it. |
| together. | | | | B. Use cognitive therapy to identify and change any |
| I) For Fear try these things: | | | | cognitive distortions that may be creating |
| A. Identify it. Say it out loud. Fear only thrives in the | | | | unnecessary hurt. |
| dark. | | | | C. Ask yourself if you could have "taken it wrong". |
| B. Use cognitive therapy. (See my article on using the | | | | 1. If so, try to give the offending party the benefit |
| ABCs of Cognitive Therapy for Working Through | | | | of the doubt, or |
| Feelings) | | | | 2. Ask for clarification of the message or the |
| C. Ask yourself these questions: | | | | meaning of the situation from the person that "hurt" |
| 1. Is it a reasonable fear? | | | | you." |
| 2. Can I do anything about this?a. If it is a reasonable | | | | 3. Communicate your feelings to the person.a. Use |
| fear and if you can do something about it, use | | | | this template: |
| pro-active problem solving.b. If it is either not a | | | | 1. When you (behavior), I feel (feeling)". |
| reasonable fear (e.g., something with even a | | | | 2. Don't defend your feeling. |
| reasonable probability of happening) or not something | | | | 3. Don't over-explain it. |
| that you have any power or control over, then use | | | | 4. Just name it and share it. |
| thought stopping to eliminate worry, rumination, and | | | | 4. For long standing grievances or hurt feelings, you |
| obsessing about it, | | | | may have to work on forgiveness. |
| 3. Use prayer, especially the Serenity prayer to | | | | VI) For Sadness, try these: |
| reduce fear. | | | | A. Gift someone by sharing that feeling with them. |
| II) For Anger, try these: | | | | B. For long standing sadness, write about it in a letter |
| A. Identify what you're angry about. | | | | to God, in a journal, or in poetry. |
| B. Identify any other feelings that may have | | | | C. For grief, write the person who is gone a letter. |
| occurred before the anger. | | | | D. Practice increased self-care. |
| C. If there is a conflict to be resolved, resolve it. | | | | E. Prayer. |
| D. If your anger is about hurt, work through the hurt. | | | | VII) For Loneliness, try these: |
| E. Identify the part you play in your anger. Take | | | | A. Find enjoyable company; get out and meet new |
| responsibility for your anger and for resolving it. | | | | people. |
| F. For resentment, which is a kind of residual, | | | | B. Love your pets |
| leftover, underlying anger, try these things: | | | | C. Take a walk, or make the most of some solitary |
| 1. Make amends to the other person for your part in | | | | activity that helps you commune with nature or with |
| hanging onto that resentment. | | | | God. |
| 2. Work on forgiveness of the other person involved. | | | | D. Volunteer your time or other resources to help |
| If you are not willing to forgive, work on the | | | | others and get out of self. |
| willingness to forgive. | | | | E. Call someone you haven't talked to in a long time. |
| 3. You can always use the old AA standby for | | | | F. Make a gratitude list. |
| resentment, which is to pray for that person's health, | | | | VIII) For Helplessness, try these: |
| wealth, and happiness (even if you don't mean it, | | | | A. Identify the feeling as helplessness, apart from |
| eventually you will). | | | | any other feelings you may be having, including fear |
| III) For Shame, try these: | | | | and/or anger. |
| A. Keep in mind that it is an ongoing process to | | | | B. Write about it. |
| reduce shame. | | | | C. Talk about it. |
| B. Keep doing the next right thing in your life. | | | | D. Use inner dialogue to remind yourself that you are |
| C. Don't do what you will feel guilty for, which can | | | | not God, and that you are not responsible for |
| turn into shame. | | | | everything and everyone in the universe. |
| D. Identify the source of the shame. We are not | | | | E. Relinquish control of the situation to the care of |
| born with shame. It comes from outside of us. Look | | | | your Higher Power, recognizing that God has a better |
| for the shaming messages in your life that have told | | | | plan than you could come up with. |
| you that you are not good enough. (e.g. mom, dad, | | | | |