| "You are too emotional," is an accusation made by | | | | by many throughout history. Judging and shaming |
| many people. As mankind's understanding of the | | | | others by labeling them "too emotional" is often a |
| human psyche grows we are learning to appreciate, | | | | misuse of power that can be emotionally abusive. It |
| understand and use our emotions more effectively. | | | | is often an attempt to coerce others. Power without |
| We are now recognizing that, often, when one | | | | self-awareness and empathy can be dangerous. |
| person accuses another of being "too emotional," the | | | | Emotional reactivity and expression are best |
| accuser may be afraid of emotions. For one reason | | | | understood when placed on a continuum. Neither end |
| or another, the accuser has not developed what | | | | of the continuum is wrong and there are shades of |
| Daniel Goleman has called "Emotional Intelligence," | | | | gray, or degrees of reactivity and expression to be |
| (1994). Many would agree that accusing another | | | | considered. Some people are comfortable with high |
| person of being "too emotional" is, at the least, not | | | | degrees of emotional reactivity and expression. |
| helpful and, at the most, shaming. | | | | Others are not. Most people fall somewhere in the |
| When a person is accused of being "too emotional," | | | | middle. When two people in a relationship find they |
| two things happen; the first is disconnection. The | | | | are at opposite ends of that continuum, the |
| flow of conflict is interrupted by an accusation that | | | | responsibility lies with both people to find ways to |
| has little to do with the topic of the conflict. Both | | | | cope with the other persons level of expression or |
| people were deeply engaged in a topic of common | | | | leave the relationship. If both people choose to work |
| interest and both people were in a flow of | | | | toward feeling comfortable and accepting of their |
| exchanging of thoughts and emotions as they | | | | partners level of expression, the relationship will have |
| discussed, or argued, about a topic of interest. | | | | a chance of working. |
| Conflict can increase intimacy. When one person | | | | Often, people are attracted to each other because |
| suddenly withdraws, accusing the other of having too | | | | of differences in emotional reactivity and expression. |
| much emotion, intimacy is abandoned. The second | | | | For instance, one person will enjoy another person's |
| thing that happens is that the person who has been | | | | expressions of joy, delight and happiness. And people |
| accused of having too much emotion feels judged, | | | | come wrapped in a complete package of all the |
| shamed and blamed. When we are shamed, most of | | | | emotions to have and express. It is unrealistic to |
| us will be flooded with emotions. Shame can make us | | | | expect anyone to always have feelings of joy, |
| feel desperate. When one person accuses another of | | | | delight and happiness. If a person is highly reactive |
| being "too emotional," a difficult situation has been | | | | and expressive of positive emotions, she will also |
| made worse. The person who stands accused is now | | | | probably be highly expressive of her feelings of |
| feeling a need to defend herself. | | | | anger, sadness or fear. No one can have one type of |
| Many people have been victimized by those who are | | | | emotion most of the time. No one can be a "happy" |
| lacking emotional awareness and intelligence. The | | | | person. Nor can they be an "angry" person. Emotions |
| ability to be empathetic with another person is the | | | | don't work that way. Emotions give us information |
| foundation of good enough relationships. When an | | | | and none of them are right or wrong. Emotions, like |
| individual is unaware of his own emotions he will have | | | | blood, are always with us. Emotions occur according |
| difficulty empathizing with the emotions of another. It | | | | to whatever is going on around or within us in the |
| is through awareness of our own emotions that we | | | | moment. |
| can deeply understand and empathize with the | | | | Self-awareness, empathy and the ability to be |
| emotions of another. During a conflict, when one | | | | attuned to others are the skills of relationship that |
| person begins to have and express strong emotions, | | | | can be honed throughout our lives. Each of these |
| both people can remain engaged, if the other party | | | | skills is worth a book and many articles and books |
| can communicate that they have heard and, perhaps | | | | have been written about them. I mentioned one in |
| understand that person's perspective. Expressing | | | | the opening paragraph, "Emotional Intelligence" by |
| understanding of another person's perspective is not | | | | Daniel Goleman (1994). Recently written is "Emotional |
| "giving in" to that person. It is simply recognizing the | | | | Awareness" by the Dalai Lama and Paul Ekman |
| individual's right to their perspective. This is a conflict | | | | (2008). Others of value include "Healing Through the |
| resolution skill of the highest degree. Self-awareness, | | | | Dark Emotions; The Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and |
| coupled with the ability to understand and empathize | | | | Despair" Miriam Greenspan (2004); "Mindfulness" Ellen |
| with others, are highly valuable social skills. | | | | J. Langer (1989); "The Developing Mind" Daniel J. |
| People who are emotionally unaware often attain | | | | Siegel (1999); "I Thought it was Just Me; Women |
| positions of power. Many still believe that the ability | | | | Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame" |
| to be empathic is a sign of weakness. We know that | | | | Brene' Brown 2007. |
| power is not always healthy. Power has been abused | | | | |